Here’s How to Tell if Your Partner Is Lying to You

Nearly everyone lies from time to time, and it’s a normal human reaction in some cases. Lying is okay when you want to protect someone else’s feelings, avoid conflict, safeguard privacy, or just support someone. Simply put, it’s a lie for the greater good that doesn’t harm anyone. 

However, when someone lies to you for other reasons and this deception is excessive, it’s time to ring alarm bells. This primarily happens in relationships, especially when one partner is cheating on the other. To back this up, research from DePaul University found that 92% of people admit to having lied to their romantic partners. 

But how do you tell if your partner is actually not telling you the truth? Let’s take a look at some of the most telltale signs. 

How You Can Tell If Your Partner Isn’t Telling the Truth

1. Inconsistent Stories

Inconsistent stories almost always indicate lying. If your partner tells a story that changes over time or conflicts with well-known facts, it’s a huge sign that they’re hiding something from you. 

These lies get harder to maintain with time, and the person might contradict himself or herself, particularly when you ask specific questions. The lying partner might also forget some of the things they said, making it even easier to understand if they’re being truthful.

2. Avoiding Eye Contact

One thing about a liar is that they try to avoid eye contact when they’re fabricating their stories. It happens because when someone lies, they often feel guilty, uncomfortable, and anxious. It’s a subconscious way for them to distance themselves from their own dishonesty. 

Sometimes they also fear being caught, and direct eye contact can make this happen super quickly. They can look up, down, or glance away to the side. Some skilled liars, however, may maintain eye contact despite lying.

3. Overexplaining

People often overexplain when they lie to make their story sound more convincing. They usually provide more details than necessary because they think that it might make the other person believe them. 

It also happens to insecure people because when a liar feels that their deception may not hold up, they may overcompensate by providing more and more additional information.

Note, however, that when a person is anxious, they may still overexplain despite not telling any lies because they fear judgment or criticism and usually manage anxiety through control.

4. Continual Defensiveness

Liars often get defensive due to a combination of guilt, fear of being caught, and the emotional weight of the situation. When such emotions combine together, they may also become angry and get on the defensive more than usual.

This defensiveness shows that they feel guilty. In fact, according to cognitive dissonance theory, people experience psychological discomfort when their actions (cheating, for example) conflict with their self-image as a moral person. 

5. Changes in Behavior

Some changes in behavior, such as hiding phones, avoiding discussions, or changing an entire routine, show that your partner is becoming secretive about his life. Of course, it’s not normal to constantly check your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s phone or always ask them why they’re changing their routine, but those usually indicate that your partner is becoming secretive, meaning he or she has something to hide.

6. Unnatural Pauses or Delays

When they pause before answering a simple question or take longer to respond, it might mean that they’re fabricating a response in their head or inventing a story that will sound more plausible.

The thing is, when someone lies, they need to process more information than when they tell the truth. This increases cognitive load, which can result in pauses as the liar searches for the right words or tries to structure their response. 

How to Deal With Lying in a Relationship

1. Communicate With Your Partner

Communication is key when it comes to solving any conflicts, including those that concern relationships. For this, try to address the lie in a non-confrontational way to make sure your partner is carefully listening to you. 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon suggests that when confronted with dishonesty, it’s crucial to avoid reacting with anger or immediate accusations. Instead, approach the conversation with curiosity and a desire for understanding.

Ask your girlfriend or boyfriend questions about why their behavior has changed, why they’re being secretive, and other questions you find important.

2. Understand the Motive Behind the Lie

When your partner is lying, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re cheating on you or hiding something serious. It might also mean that they’re trying to protect you or don’t want you to get upset for whatever reason.

So, before jumping to conclusions, it’s essential to understand what caused your partner to lie. 

3. Tell Your Partner How Their Lies Impact You

If your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s lies severely impact you, it’s important to address the issue as early as possible. Anxiety, depression, loss of trust, and self-doubt are some of the consequences the partner who is being lied to might be dealing with.

Lies can leave you feeling unsettled and uncertain about your relationship, so the right solution here is to tell your partner about how you’re feeling about them being untruthful.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

When you feel that lies become too excessive or destructive, it’s important to set healthy boundaries that will help you overcome the situation with ease. First, focus on your emotions and feelings. Understand how all the lies impacted you and what you need to recover. Second, talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about the boundaries you’ve set and let them know that you won’t tolerate any disrespect towards yourself.

Summing Up

When a romantic partner has something to hide from their better half, one of their methods of defense becomes lying. Lies, in turn, can be noble and destructive, and the latter has to be dealt with immediately for the purpose of moving forward.

When your partner tells inconsistent stories, avoids eye contact, overexplains, shows defensiveness, makes some changes in behavior, or has unnatural pauses or delays when talking to you, it’s a sign to discuss the issue.